If Santa got snatched

OP. DR. YUNUS DOĞAN

Ho ho oh!

We know we have a multi-cultured patient base and you might be reading this from a country that does not recognize or celebrate Christmas. We respect all religions and beliefs, holding none higher than any other and we do not promote or force our beliefs on you. That being said, you have GOT to know who the man in red is, don’t you?

Every December he helps keep our children’s behavior in check and eventually comes through, delivering gifts - or coal, depending on that aforementioned behavior - to every house around the world. But not every house calls him by the same name.

The Americans have Santa Claus. Germans wait up for Weinachtsman. Russians are sweet for Ded Moroz and China has Dun Che Lao Ren. Father Christmas visits the UK. Finland behaves for Jolupukki. Italians smile for Babbo Natale while the Turkish do their best for Noel Baba. In France he’s Per Noel. Cameroon is blessed by the only female figure, Mama Tingatinga. FYI, all online images show her literal figure to be in better shape than any of the fathers of Christmas but Mama TT still might want an ETT (extended tummy tuck) or any of the other procedures in the Mommy Makeover.

More often than not, Santa is an aging and overweight fella. He only works one night a year so he probably has low energy. Relying on reindeer to drag him around paints a picture of a largely lethargic lifestyle. And can you even imagine the stress of his job? Any failure could result in the end of whatever’s left of our peaceful society. Surely he has wrinkles somewhere under that fluffy, white beard.

We’ve had some high profile patients but none with quite the international reach of Noel Baba. Our patients’ happiness is our happiness but we’re always honest in our assessments. If jolly old Saint Nick followed our advice and wanted a consultation, what would we suggest?

What’s under that hat?

We don’t see many pictures of Santa without his hat but it could be assumed that he’s covering up a shiny bald head. If he’s not completely bald, wearing that hat all the time could be thinning whatever hair he has left. Santa could probably benefit from a little hair transplant. We gotchu Santa. For more details, including the history of this procedure, read this.

A jolly face comes with a price

Harsh winter winds and the North pole climate have surely damaged those rosy cheeks. His fluffy red hat can’t protect his entire forehead and that’s probably why his nose is like a cherry. We could take a few years off that weathered face with a facelift or thin out those cheeks with a bichectomy.

When Santa’s about to work a little of his holiday magic, he always puts a finger to his nose. After all this time, maybe he’d want us to work a little magic of our own with a perfect rhinoplasty.

Santa’s pecs

That sack full of toys must be heavy so we can probably assume Santa has some upper body strength, right? We’re just not sure what his chest really looks like. Judging by the rest of his body composition, Santa might be suffering from late-onset gynecomastia. We would perform liposuction and/or surgery to remove his man boobs and give him tighter pectorals. So tight that Mrs. Claus might just drop her stockings.

Bowl full of jelly

All the milk and cookies have certainly added up. His midsection is so large that songs have been written about it. And perhaps the reason adults don’t sit on his lap to share their Christmas wishes is that they simply can’t fit. With a stomach that large, we’re not sure 360 liposuction is enough. Can we go around twice?

After the lipo, Santa would get a tummy tuck and would eventually need a new and smaller suit. Especially if he follows post-op instructions and wears his faja.

We can’t imagine Santa has much muscle in his legs from all the sitting he does. He supervises the elves working and then sits in the sleigh for all that travel time. We could recommend thigh liposuction to remove any accumulated fat. Then if Santa wants an easier time sliding down chimneys, we could do a thigh lift and shrink those tree trunks right up.

The last stitch

He’s been so concerned with delivering everyone else’ gifts, he has never taken a break or time for himself. We told you winter IS the best time for plastic surgery. Maybe Father Christmas can take a few weeks off in early 2025 to raise his own spirits with some self care. With a sexy new body, spirits might not be the only thing raised at the North Pole.